Chili taste off

I know that it isn't Monday but we all need a good laugh in the middle of the week right. This is not intended to offend you Trucker. I was laughing so hard by the end my mini bubbles were asking me if I was ok. Enjoy!

CHILI TASTER DE-ORBITS... These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who wasvisiting Texas from Cincinnati (Fairfield)... "Recently I was luckyenoughto be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked tofillin to be a judge at a chili cook-off.Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, andIhappened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured bytheother two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a truetaste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't beallthat spicy, and besides, they told me I could have FREE beer during thetasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."
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Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove driedpaintfrom your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.Hopethat's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
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Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I\'m not sure what I amsupposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to givemethe Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers whentheysaw the look on my face.
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Chili # 3: Fred\'s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.I feel gas pockets shooting between my pelvic sockets. I'm getting shit-faced.
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Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish orothermild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable totasteit, it feels good on my chin. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behindmewith fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, justlikethis nuclear-waste I\'m eating. My nose is running profusely, I am fairlysure it is not blood, eyesight getting blurry...
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Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, addingconsiderable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admitthecayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, seriously. Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I amsupposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to givemethe Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
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Chili # 6: Vera\'s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spiceandpeppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulfuricflames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally.Ineed to wipe my ass with a snow cone! The sun is spinning and coloreddisksare flying out of it---I think I\'m having a religious experience. I\'mprettysure I just wet my shorts.
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Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can ofchilipeppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about JudgeNumber 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursinguncontrollably and clutching his crotch.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world soundslikeit is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slidunnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to matchmydamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they\'ll know what killed me.I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any",
and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offendedwhenI told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved mytonguefrom bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It reallypisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
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Chili # 8: Helen\'s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,nottoo bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild norhot.Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,felland pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he\'s going tomakeit. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(Editor\'s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)